There are no words strong enough.

Wow. I have really been MIA. I apologize and have missed everyone. I try to pop on every once in a while but being that I am in cubicle hell now and that I have NO spare time at home leaves little time to blog or read blogs.
That being said, I will try harder to carve some time out.
I need to blog. I need my vent time. I also need to read about everyone else’s vents, joy’s and heartaches. Makes me realize I am not alone.

So since it’s the holidays and as Donkey in Shrek says, “My momma said that it ain’t Christmas until somebody cries” here is my cry for you.

Two weeks ago I got a phone call at work. It was my husband.
“Your uncle just called. Your cousin was shot and killed this morning.”
It took all I had not to drop the phone and vomit. I literally heard my heart beating in my ears.
“Bud, slow down” I said as calmly as I could. “Which cousin?” it sounds awful now but honestly? I have several cousins and a name would be great.
“It was Sam, he was shot this morning during a raid.”
My cousin is, well was, in the FBI. No secret now obviously. He was serving an arrest warrant in Pittsburgh and was fatally shot by the dealer’s wife.

So may thoughts flashed through my mind as Bud told me this. Shot? How? Don’t they wear protective gear? Where was he shot? Did he suffer?
None of these thoughts made it out of my mouth as I just sat, in my cubicle, with tears running down my face.

There are no words to describe how I felt. I felt anger, sadness, and confusion all rolled into one. It was one of those things that you never feel would ever come into your family. You read about sad things like this in the news. But you never expect to live them.

The funeral was the saddest thing I have ever attended. I have been to few family funerals. We were lucky in that way. The funerals I have attended are for grandparents and great grand parents. People that you expect to pass away.

Now my family was attending a funeral for a 33 year old man. A man with a young son and wife. In the beginnings of his career. Gone.
“So sad” or “Such a shame” I heard that day amongst the quiet crying in the church.
I had never been to a police funeral. Never in my life had I ever been amongst so many members of law enforcement.
I felt like I was in a movie. This had been the type of things I HAD seen in movies. Yet we were living through it.
It was surreal in the very least.
I rode that day in a motorcade with my family, in FBI vehicles. The Baltimore beltway was shut down for the funeral procession. A procession that included over 3000 people.
During the procession we would go underneath overpasses that held firefighters saluting the procession. People stuck in traffic had pulled over and were standing outside of their vehicles with their hands over their heart. Police officers that were blocking the interstate exits had turned to salute, the Baltimore K-9 unit stood on the side of the road with their officers. Again, so surreal.
The burial was the most difficult part of the funeral. In front of the casket sat my family. I would look up every so often to see my cousin’s wife’s shoulders shaking as she sobbed quietly into the shoulder of her sister. All around us stood those that came to pay their respects. The majority of the guests were law enforcement and there was not a dry eye out there.
When they did the final radio call I lost it. It really hit me at that point that he was gone. I felt immense sadness for his wife and son. To have the one they loved so much taken away so suddenly. So unfairly.

I went home after the funeral emotionally and physically exhausted. I hugged Bean so tightly that he told me I was hurting him.
I have to remind myself after this awful turn of events that I have so much to be grateful for over the holidays.
I have my husband and son. We are healthy; we have food on the table and a roof over our heads.
It is sad that it is events such as this that force us to reflect on ourselves.
I wish all of you a happy and safe holiday this year.